52 Ancestors Week 36: We Don't Talk About It

 From Amy Johnson Crow: The theme for Week 36 is "We Don't Talk About It." Admittedly, this could be a difficult theme, so please be gentle with yourself. Feel free to write about something else or skip this week entirely. That being said, is there an event or a person in your family that seemed to always end the conversation whenever it was brought up? What have you discovered about it, or are you still looking for the answers?

Keep your mouth shut, capiche?

        This week's blog is probably going to be a sequel to the one I wrote in June about my second great-grandparents, Wilfred Felker and Gertrude Stevens and their divorce proceedings. In the blog, I wrote about how I asked the Essex County courthouse for details about their divorce. To sum up, I found that he basically accused her of abandonment. The divorce was granted and the matter was closed. Sadly, that's how things operated in the early 1900s. There was no DNA testing and women weren't afforded anywhere near the kinds of rights they have today. It was a different time.

    Not long after I wrote the blog I sent it to a half second cousin who descended from Wilfred and his second wife, Mary Ann Pierce. He told me that the story tracked with what he knew of the man. What he told me next reaffirmed why no one in my family ever talked about my second great-grandfather.

Wilfred and George Amos Felker.

    When I was growing up, everyone talked about their family. I learned a great deal about my Italian side and all of the cousins. I've even heard stories that frankly should be kept internal. Some things just aren't safe for WikiTree or blogs. Keep in mind that they weren't even close to Mafia stories. So, get that idea out of your head!

    My grandmother Natalie always talked about her father Austin, grandmother Gertrude and the Senter family. No one ever really talked about Wilfred. When they did, it was usually in passing. It was something like:

"Oh. Austin's father was a man named Wilfred. Let's talk about his grandfather Jeremiah instead."

    People were really good at evading the question. I typically had to shrug it off and go about my business. If grandma wasn't going to talk about it, then there was no way to get information from her. It's that simple.

    Once I showed the blog to my cousin it became clear why no one ever really talked about Wilfred. My cousin explained that Wilfred was apparently a very difficult man to live with according to his father. He remembered his aunt Grace hinting he and Gertrude were a bit promiscuous.  I'm honestly not too sure about that last part. However, Wilfred being promiscuous does make some sense at least considering the fact that Wilfred got Mary Ann pregnant while my second great-grandmother was pregnant with Austin.

Grace Felker

    That was only the tip of the iceberg. I wasn't sure if I wanted more information. But, I got a full e-mail outlining just what kind of a man Wilfred was anyway. 

    Apparently, Wilfred was never really home and whenever my cousin's father Richard would visit there would always be pipe smoke in the air. It got so bad that Richard would never go inside the home to visit the old man.  He was apparently a real jerk who was just plain old nasty to everyone he ever met. Because of this, he lived by himself in a fishing shack in his later years.

    Wilfred even went so far as to say his son George was a half-brother to his siblings! That's a bit much.

    I was taken aback by those comments and I wasn't sure what to make of it until my cousin told me a story involving Wilfred, his father and my cousin's older sister. I settled down and read it several times before I could make sense of the madness.

    The last time my cousin's father Richard ever saw Wilfred was in 1951 just before he died. Wilfred, Richard and a cousin were all being introduced to the new baby (my cousin's sister) when they all got into some sort of argument and punches were being thrown at each other.

Austin Felker and Henrietta Legault

    That was a lot to take in and his story made me remember all those times my grandmother would never talk about Wilfred. It all started to make sense because why else would she have dodged the questions. 

    Wilfred's story might also explain why all or most of the Felker children and grandchildren moved to Indiana once they were able to do so. I hadn't heard about any Felker relatives until I found my cousin on WikiTree in 2017. 

    I guess it makes sense now why Wilfred wasn't talked about much if at all. The guy was a jerk. And that's putting it mildly.

    It also explains why Austin was living with his grandfather Jeremiah in various censuses and not with his father and half-siblings. Everything made sense and it hit me like an eighteen wheel Mack truck and now that I know more about Wilfred than I ever thought possible, what do I do with the information?

    I can't very well ask my last living great-aunt about her grandfather. I doubt she'd have pleasant memories about him. If she brings him up, the most I can do is simply listen and not say anything. But, that's only if she wants to talk about it. I'm not about to say "Aunt Elaine, can you tell me about Wilfred Felker?" I don't think I need to ask her that question now and at her age it might upset her. So, the best thing to do is to be quiet on that issue.

 

      As for me, I'm going to have to take this in stride because I honestly have to. Wilfred passed away decades before I was born and I can't really judge someone I've never met before. No one can really judge an ancestor. The only thing we can do is break the cycle, you know. It may take generations but cycles can be broken. I think Austin may have seen what his father was doing and started to break the cycle himself because there are plenty of good stories about him. So, it's best to focus on that and not so much the actions of someone who lived a long time ago.

    At least now I can probably close the book on Wilfred Felker. What's past is past and the reason why no one ever really talked about him is now known by all parties. Was he a good man? That's not for us to decide. Events of the past are in the past and we must remind ourselves that we are not our ancestors. We must also remind ourselves that no human is perfect and that's certainly the case here. I just wish I could go back and hug my grandmother knowing what I now know about her grandfather. Maybe then I wouldn't have asked that question.

See ya next time!